Just going to see where this goes, first time ever attempting to write a blog of sorts, just to get some of my thoughts and feelings out there and as my audience for this will be small it doesn't really matter if it is awful as I will only be offending the senses of a few people for which i apologize in advance...
Also a little note for all of you grammar Nazis out there, my University lecturer said to me time and time again that i write as i speak so excuse the poor grammar.
Who am i? My name is Will, a 29 year old, wondering where all the years have gone since I have left school, working as a web developer in Shoreditch in London. Did i think I would ever make it to 29? Nope, I doubted for a second I would make it to 25, I contemplated taking my own life after I finished University as the real world outside the safety of the University walls scared me, I didn't think I would be able to function. From a very young age I always suffered from confidence issues, I was a shy kid and this was all before I realised I didn't talk the same as other kids, then i realised I had a speech impediment, an annoying stutter that has haunted me my whole life with its tight grip on my shoulders pulling me back to its choking hold on my neck afraid to speak, school was frustrating, especially when i knew the answer to a question but was too afraid to hold up my hand and speak infront of the class. I was never bullied, picked on or anything like that. Occasionally I would get the odd comment but I always chose to take it on the chin, shrug it off but inside it would hurt and one day I just thought.... fuck it!
I wasn't going to let my speech impediment hold me back, this realization came to me in my early twenties so the damage to my personality was already done but i wasn't going to let it affect me as much as it did. I have a stutter, its part of me, its made me the person i am today and i cannot change that, i've spent too much of my life not saying what I wanted to say because I know I would stumble on some words, maybe that’s the whole reason behind starting this, to give me a platform to out my thoughts and opinions and rambles and rants. I wouldn't of been able to come to terms to this and to learn to laugh at myself if it wasn't for my best friend, he made me see that when i stutter sometimes it can be hilariously funny and just seeing him trying not to laugh makes me laugh and makes my stutter worse until we are both laughing too much to a point where i have forgotten what I was trying to say in the first place.
University was my saviour, I grew in confidence, delivering oral presentations to a group of people and being praised from both tutors and peers, i was comfortable in Uni, I felt like a King. Then the inevitable... it was almost time to hand in final coursework and be on my merry way... I tried my best to stay in University for as long as i could... 5 years in fact, three qualifications later and then the breakdown happened, how was i supposed to function in the real world? I couldn't, I wanted to but i was scared so i decided I was going to kill myself. Contemplating the method and crying myself to sleep i awoke the following day and asked myself 'Do you really want to die?' I made a choice, I didn't, I wanted to live and that was the day I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and mind, it wasn't going to be easy but I was over the biggest hurdle... Choose life.
I'm glad I am still here, everything is working out and I just want to tell people, anyone who is scared or struggling that it really does get better!
If you made it this far I thank you! If not one person makes it this far it was still a worthwhile exercise, slowing exercising old demons.
Have a nice day!
Apologies if any of this was unreadable!
thirteen:
This was beautiful.